i read this whole thing in an elderly asian mans voice
so as i was going through my blog i noticed a few posts about dads
Dad jokes: Stepping it up since I was a child.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in the word ‘subtle’ deserves a pat on the back
dont be mean
be median or mode
damn math fandom bloggers
in 7 years its going to be the 20s again so we can bring back swing music and the aesthetics of that era but keep modern values who’s with me
you can’t repeat the past
can’t repeat the past? why, of course you can! of course you can.
You can’t just whip out your cock at somebody man
so you’re saying I can win 5 iphones every day??? and all I have to do is give my credit card number on this website I’ve never heard about??? well slam me in my tender butthole sir you’ve just got yourself a deal
Slam me in my tender butthole
I think I’ve just found my new favorite phrase.
I HAVE TO DO IT
I HAVE NO CHOICE
I really like the phrase “with all due respect” because of the implicit “(which is none)” at the end
The oldest person alive was born on April 19, 1897, meaning that April 18th, 1897 was approximately the last time the Earth was inhabited by an entirely different set of people and if you don’t think that’s the realist shit ever then you can get right on outta town.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember that the Raptor sounds from Jurassic Park were actually a recording of turtles having sex
i used to think that a foot of parchment was a lot and feel bad when harry potter characters were assigned to write that much
but then i realized the paper i write on is 8.5 by 11 inches.
so a foot of parchment is the equivalent of like, not even a page and a half of paper.
they complained SO MUCH about essays that were like
a page and a half
get your shit together
For those of you who don’t understand archaeology, I have made a diagram.
why can’t a t-rex clap? because it’s dead
How do you make a plumber sad? Kill his Family.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”
The horse replies “my wife has terminal cancer”
what’s worse than biting into an apple with a worm in it?
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a truck.
why did susan fall off the swing?
she had no arms