velociraptor = ———————-
why iphones gotta take two million years to turn back on after they die like you plug em in and you’re all ready to start texting again but they’re like “nope. i gotta take some time for myself. figure out who i am. you hurt me too much the last time. let me think.”
this is the funniest scene of modern family in all of tv history
My mum’s friends at work are having a baby and their last name is watts so they were trying work out a name for it, i suggested 60 and they both looked confused so i said maybe 20 would suit them better
my favorite part of hamlet is at the beginning when they see the ghost of hamlet sr for the first time
and the guards are like “Horatio, you go talk to it! You went to college!”
and Horatio is like “Yeah! I did go to college! I will go talk to the ghost!”
like. where did horatio go to college. did he go to ghost college
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS PHOTOSET.
never take drugs, its rude. ask politely if u can have some
my brother tried to pick up a banana to make it look like he was talking on the phone but all the bananas in the bunch came with it and he just looked at me and went “i guess it’s a conference call”
don’t encourage him
do atheists say oh my god
yep. we say it any time we hear something that’s unbelievable.
i read this whole thing in an elderly asian mans voice